Always Listen to Your Mother.
Despite whatever circumstances at the time, a mothers advice is usually worth taking. For those of you about to rob a bank, or loading up the next blast off your crackpipe, Im sure youre not reading this. So we'll just focus on the more trendy downtown demographic to which this material is geared towards, and hope for the best.
Always Wear Clean Underwear Cause You Never Know When You may Wind Up In The Hospital:
It's true, this is one rule you should always follow, 'cause you never know what can happen in life. If youre going for a job interview and youre all spiffied up, it will do you no good if you have on dirty underwear. Because you will know you have on funky chonies, and you will feel bad, and it will show in your attitude. You might as well roll around in dogshit, or just stay home. Your better off springing for a new pair of snappy underwear, and going to the interview in old clothes. You will feel like a million bucks and everybody will know it.
Or you may be out on a friday evening and find yourself in the company of some sassy summer love who wants to lay a little on ya. What will you do when you get back to thier place, and your cookie is wrapped up in some shabby bikinis with an unravelled waistband?
You'll be backtracking to the bathroom hoping they have a window you can throw your underwear out of before they notice.
The only kind of people who can pull this off are the Iggy Pops of the world, and they dont even bother with underwear. So either get it together and do what your mamma says, or get with the caveman attitude, and let it rip. I dont suggest you do the latter, unless you really mean it, otherwise you just end up looking like a total dumbass. Personally, if I wound up in the hospital the last thing on my mind would be my underwear. I have no idea what my mom was thinking when she tacked this part on. Maybe back in the day the only time a woman got to show any spontaneous ass, was if she was gonna have a baby and her water broke, or if she got hit by a truck.
Always Keep A Dime In Your Pocket In Case Of An Emergency:
Obviously, a dime wont get you anything these days. Certainly not a phone call. Translated, this means always be prepared. Dont leave the house without any money or resources, fool! And if you dont have any money, at least have enough for a call if you get stranded somewhere, or god forbid, some maniac you went home with turns out to be the Thompkins Square masher, and wants to tie you up and poop on your chest.
You will need to get out of there fast, find a phone to call someone, and hope nobody you know sees you trying to hide naked, behind some manky sheet with caca on it. Ugh.
Never Call A Boy, Let Him Call You:
This is one gem that took me years to figure out. Just between you and me and the apple tree, navigating the mysteries of the birds and the bees used to baffled me. My mom used to say that women have one thing you cant bottle and sell, and that's sex. And they have the power, because they can say NO. Well cant guys say no? Apparently not. Of course they can, but they dont. So right there the scales are tipped in a womans favour. Cause men are biologically wired to spread thier seed as much as possible. Women are wired to nest. So while guys are looking to bag as much as they can, a woman's just looking to bag the right one. Theyre more particular. Men sniff around, hoping, waiting, jerking off, for a crumb to fall off the table. They go through all these shenanigans just for a little. So never call a boy, make him do the calling. Always dangle that carrot.
This advice is true, but not just for women. Guys, you can do this right back to the ladies. The guys that get laid the most, are the ones that dont care if they get laid or not. Dont treat a woman like her pussy is made of gold, cause its not! It's just a pussy. You got a cock, right? Your little red rooster is worth just as much as her little pink hen. Stay at home and take a nice hot bath, and if a girl calls you up with something in mind, tell her your staying at home and washing your hair. Rent some movies and give yourself a facial and a pedicure, for crying out loud. Show that you care about yourself. Next time your out with a chick, pull a compact mirror out of your wallet and comb your hair luxuriously. You can preen too. If she got her nails done, of course compliment her, but if you really wanna fuck her shit up, ask her if theyre real. The point of this is not to insult a woman, but dont stand around doing yourself a disservice while you put her on a pedestal. If you get tripped up, just say to yourself: "It's only pussy, it's only pussy", and close your eyes and click your heels together three times, and that should snap you out of it.
Never let a woman, or anyone for that matter, fool you into thinking that they're the prize. Cause they're not, you are. Its a mans world, but it's all about pussy? Horseshit. It's all about love, and the sooner y'all love yourself, the less pussy, or dick, will have a hypnotic hold over you.
And that, is the best advice my mamma ever gave me.
Till next month,
Teenage Frankenstein.
Always Wear Clean Underwear Cause You Never Know When You may Wind Up In The Hospital:
It's true, this is one rule you should always follow, 'cause you never know what can happen in life. If youre going for a job interview and youre all spiffied up, it will do you no good if you have on dirty underwear. Because you will know you have on funky chonies, and you will feel bad, and it will show in your attitude. You might as well roll around in dogshit, or just stay home. Your better off springing for a new pair of snappy underwear, and going to the interview in old clothes. You will feel like a million bucks and everybody will know it.
Or you may be out on a friday evening and find yourself in the company of some sassy summer love who wants to lay a little on ya. What will you do when you get back to thier place, and your cookie is wrapped up in some shabby bikinis with an unravelled waistband?
You'll be backtracking to the bathroom hoping they have a window you can throw your underwear out of before they notice.
The only kind of people who can pull this off are the Iggy Pops of the world, and they dont even bother with underwear. So either get it together and do what your mamma says, or get with the caveman attitude, and let it rip. I dont suggest you do the latter, unless you really mean it, otherwise you just end up looking like a total dumbass. Personally, if I wound up in the hospital the last thing on my mind would be my underwear. I have no idea what my mom was thinking when she tacked this part on. Maybe back in the day the only time a woman got to show any spontaneous ass, was if she was gonna have a baby and her water broke, or if she got hit by a truck.
Always Keep A Dime In Your Pocket In Case Of An Emergency:
Obviously, a dime wont get you anything these days. Certainly not a phone call. Translated, this means always be prepared. Dont leave the house without any money or resources, fool! And if you dont have any money, at least have enough for a call if you get stranded somewhere, or god forbid, some maniac you went home with turns out to be the Thompkins Square masher, and wants to tie you up and poop on your chest.
You will need to get out of there fast, find a phone to call someone, and hope nobody you know sees you trying to hide naked, behind some manky sheet with caca on it. Ugh.
Never Call A Boy, Let Him Call You:
This is one gem that took me years to figure out. Just between you and me and the apple tree, navigating the mysteries of the birds and the bees used to baffled me. My mom used to say that women have one thing you cant bottle and sell, and that's sex. And they have the power, because they can say NO. Well cant guys say no? Apparently not. Of course they can, but they dont. So right there the scales are tipped in a womans favour. Cause men are biologically wired to spread thier seed as much as possible. Women are wired to nest. So while guys are looking to bag as much as they can, a woman's just looking to bag the right one. Theyre more particular. Men sniff around, hoping, waiting, jerking off, for a crumb to fall off the table. They go through all these shenanigans just for a little. So never call a boy, make him do the calling. Always dangle that carrot.
This advice is true, but not just for women. Guys, you can do this right back to the ladies. The guys that get laid the most, are the ones that dont care if they get laid or not. Dont treat a woman like her pussy is made of gold, cause its not! It's just a pussy. You got a cock, right? Your little red rooster is worth just as much as her little pink hen. Stay at home and take a nice hot bath, and if a girl calls you up with something in mind, tell her your staying at home and washing your hair. Rent some movies and give yourself a facial and a pedicure, for crying out loud. Show that you care about yourself. Next time your out with a chick, pull a compact mirror out of your wallet and comb your hair luxuriously. You can preen too. If she got her nails done, of course compliment her, but if you really wanna fuck her shit up, ask her if theyre real. The point of this is not to insult a woman, but dont stand around doing yourself a disservice while you put her on a pedestal. If you get tripped up, just say to yourself: "It's only pussy, it's only pussy", and close your eyes and click your heels together three times, and that should snap you out of it.
Never let a woman, or anyone for that matter, fool you into thinking that they're the prize. Cause they're not, you are. Its a mans world, but it's all about pussy? Horseshit. It's all about love, and the sooner y'all love yourself, the less pussy, or dick, will have a hypnotic hold over you.
And that, is the best advice my mamma ever gave me.
Till next month,
Teenage Frankenstein.
posted by Teenage Frankenstein at 11:56 AM
2 comments
