Today when we were cleaning house the doorbell rang. I wasnt expecting anybody. I was vacuuming and didnt hear the bell at first. I turned the vacuum off, and went to the bathroom. Dingdong.
"Mom, get the door, Im busy," I hollered.
Dingdong. My mom was in the garage doing laundry, she couldnt hear me. I figured they would go away, but they kept at it. Finally my mothers muffled voice came from the back of the house.
"Kari, get the door"!
I was indisposed and could not get up.
"Mom, I cant get the door"!
"What?"
"I said, I cant get the door"!
"Why not"? she yelled.
Dingdong. Jesus christ, I thought, everybody around here screaming back and forth like a buncha fuckin' oakies. Nobody will get up and walk to the next room and speak in a normal tone of voice. It pissed me off to no end. I dont know why, but it always annoyed me. I especially hated it when people do it in stores. If somebody yells for me in a store, instead of finding me and talking to me, I will just ignore them. If you do it more than once I will walk out and leave you there. I sets my nerves on edge in a way that I just want to punch someone.
I took a deep breath and bellowed, "Because Im on the toilet, that's why"!
The door to the garage slammed, and I heard my moms footsteps coming down the hall. She yelled from the other side of the bathroom door.
""Kari why havent you answered the door"?
"Because Im on the damn toilet trying to have a crap, why do you think"?
"Oh. Well why didnt you say so sooner"?
Dingdong.
I flushed the toilet and walked out.
"What the fuck, is the doorbell stuck"? I sighed, and walked to the other room.
Dingdong.
"Kari, get the door honey, I have to find my cigarettes, that doorbell's driving me insane".
I stared at my moms back as she left the room, and rolled my eyes. After all that, I have to answer the door. I pulled the drape back and looked out the window. A man and a woman dressed for church carrying pamphlets stood there mooning at the door. Jehovahs witness's. I let the curtain fall back gently and tiptoed away from the door.
Dingdong.
"Kari, get the goddamn door"!
I tiptoed down the hall, as my mom came barrelling our of her bedroom.
"What the hell's the matter with you?" she said, irritated.
"It's the Jehovahs Witnesses" I whispered.
"Aw shit, what are we gonna do? They'll stand out there all day", she bitched, and threw her cigarettes on the table.
Dingdong.
"I dunno, I aint answering the door", I said.
"Well somebody's got to answer it. They came to your aunt Pat's house last week, and stood there for over an hour. Then they went to the back of the house, and saw Hillary out there playing".
"And then what happened"?
"Hillary threw a dirtclod at them".
"And"? I laughed.
Hillary was my 6 year old neice.
"They wouldnt leave. Hillary pelted them with dirtclods for fifteen minutes, and they stayed there trying to talk to her".
I pictured immaculate polyestered ladies under a torrent of flying dirt.
"What? What would they have to say to a little kid"? I asked, incredulous.
"They just stood there telling her she was gonna go to hell. That's a terrible thing to tell a child."
"Mom, Jehovahs Witnesses, dont believe in hell", I said.
"Everybody believes in hell", my mom said matter of factly as she dragged off her cigarette.
"Mom, they do not, they believe in heaven on earth in the afterlife".
"Whatever. If that's what Hillary said, it must be the truth, you know she's too young to lie about that kinda stuff. Heaven on earth, what kinda crap is that? If there wasnt hell, people would just run around killing each other and doing whatever they pleased".
"Well"?
"Well what"?
"People do that now, hell aint keeping 'em on a tight leash. The only thing that keeps people from shitting on thier own front porch, is the fear of having to clean it up", I offered.
"Well what's that got to do with these idiots on MY front porch, miss bible britches? Why dont you go on out there and discuss it with them, Im sure thye'd love to hear your opinions on heaven and hell".
"No", I whispered, "That's the last thing you want to do, they might get a foot in the door, and it's all over".
My dad's mom was a Jehovahs Witness, and she nearly chewed my ear off with that religion. She was always reading to me from her Awake magazines. They were filled with beautiful derailed drawings of smiling white people in heaven on earth. Surrounded by clear skies and wild animals unafraid of humans, eating from their hands. Trees dripping with wild fruit and everybody looking happy and stupid. There was always one token black and one asian. If the artist was feeling a little extravagant there might be an eskimo, or a native american standing there next to a lion or an elephant, and a deer. No deer in thier right mind would be anywhere near a lion. But I figured everybody and everything got along together just fine in heaven. I peeked out the window.
The thought of being held hostage by some meek church people was baffling to me.
But here we were in the same predicament.
Dingdong.
"Kari go get the phone and call Patrick, and have him come over and make them leave".
Patrick was my stepdad, and he worked for the city as a landscaper. He was always around in his truck.
"What? Were gonna call him and have him chase them off, like two pussies"?
"Well do you have a better idea?" she barked.
She was right, I didnt have a better idea.
"Wait a minute", she said, "you go around to the side of the house, and when I give the signal, turn on the sprinklers".
