Santo III

I was tired, my back hurt. My face and body was broken out so badly I wasn't sure if I had acne or boils. My mouth tasted bad, I'm sure I had dragon breath. And rightly so. My diet consisted of jello, oatmeal, and soup. I was unable to hold anything down. What didn't come out one end, came out the other. I was an effort to keep anything in. I kept smelling overpowering scents and I didn't know where they were coming from.
I dialed my godparents phone number. My godmother answered.

"Botanica" she said flatly.

"Hi Madrina.

"Yes, who is this?"

She spoke in a melodic singsong.

"It's me, Kari."

"You crazy bitch, where have you been? What's good baby?"

"Same old, and you?"

"We're still here. I have'nt seen you in forever. When are you coming to see me?"

"Well," I hedged, "I don't know, that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Tell me."

"Madrina something's wrong. I feel funny."

"Funny? What do you mean funny? Funny ha ha? What is funny?"

I let out loud sigh.

"Weird Madrina. I can't sleep. I wake up at the same time everynight with my heart beating out of my chest, sweating. I can't eat, I've lost about 20 pounds in a month. Dhiahrehea, vomiting, crying. And I keep hearing shit in my head, like someone's talking to me, trying to tell me something, and I can't figure out what it is. And I'm dreaming weird dreams. I keep thinking Yemaya's trying to tell me something, and I don't know what she's trying to say. I never can remember my dreams, well I'm dreaming so much now I wake up with headaches. I wake up, and I the first thing I think of is Yemaya. She may as well be in bed with me, her ass is crowding me. All of my thoughts get stuck in my head like a broken record, and I can't get them to shut off, they're driving me crazy."

"Yes, Yemaya is speaking to you, Flaca."

"I know, but I don't know what she's trying to tell me, and alot of other stuff is going on."

"Like what, tell me."

"Everything Madrina, something's not right. I can't put my finger on it. Everybody goes through rough times, but...I don't know. Maybe I'm just being stupid. I can't put my finger on it, but all I can tell you is everything is off, and through no doing of my own. There's bad luck, we all have it, and then there's something else. I feel like I have weights on my back."

I could feel her listening to me and carrying on a conversation with somebody else in the background.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Wait a minute baby, hold on. Tony! Tonee! Go get padrino."

The phone clanked down on the counter and the drawer of the cash register closed.

"Kari, listen to me, you need to come see me."

"Okay, but I.."

"Kari-you need to come speak to me here, mamma. Wait a minute, here's your godfather."

"Who is it?" I heard him ask.

"La flaca blanca, " my godmother murmured.

"HEEY Kari, mamma, how are you?"

"Hi Padrino."

I could feel my bottom lip start to tremble, and bit back my tears.

"Are you okay?"

"Well, no not really. Madrina says she wants me to come up."

"Okay mamma. When you coming?"

I heard my godmother shriek in the bathroom, "Tell her she needs to get her ass here, NOW."

"You hear that."

"Yes Padrino."

"So when you coming?" he stated loudly.

"I'm coming now, I'll see you in two hours."

"Okay, hurry up."

I washed my face, took my medication, threw my crap in a bag and headed out the door.
The hallway was silent and still. I dumped my trash in the can and closed the gate behind me. My eyes inadvertently wandered to a dark spot on the sidewalk. Someone got thier head bown off in front of out stoop two weeks ago. My roommate poured dirt over it because she didn't want to look at the brain matter on the sidewalk.

Another unpleasant episode. The weather was brisk and chilly. I got a coffee and made my way down the stairs to the train. The ride to the Bronx was a long one. The rain came and I settled in.
I connected to the F and sat in the corner and let the rocking of the train ease me into a dull fatigued space.
I sang songs in my head in time to the rythym of the train. One motherfucker, two motherfucker, three motherfucker, four, motherfucker motherfucker, open up the door. Stopping momentarily, I saw the same homeless man that appeared to me before. His sunken face and eyes that looked through me as if to say, "well, we are waiting."

The train pulled out and he looked past me.

Santo II

I woke with a start, thirsty, with my eyes stinging. What are you trying to tell me? I thought.
"What-what is it?" I said aloud.

I realized I had dreamt of her, finally. I smiled but it felt like a grimace. Does her presence always come under such trying circumstances? I swung my feet to the side of the bed and sat there feeling the ringing in my ears, the heaviness of my hands. Water, I needed cool water. I felt like I was on fire again. My head was hot. I groped around the floor of my room for my water bottle and drank. No good, the water tasted like plastic. The TV light flickered. I fudged around under the covers looking for the remote. Re-mote. Remo. Rote. Remo-tuh. Mota. I liked to sound things out when I was stressed, it calmed me. Yemaya, what is it? Ye-may-a. Yem-aya. Yemmu. Yem-mu say onli odu, oddu dua kabiosile agua nueve cariocha. I didn't speak spanish, or any african dialects, though the phrases often ran through my head for no apparent reason. Nine waters outside my door popped into my head. I didn't know what any of this meant and it stayed stuck in my head, keeping me awake at nights. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy.

There was that damn remote, always on the floor. I reached for it and my beads broke, a light tinkle to the floor.
I flipped on the overhead. Yemaya's blue and clear beads everywhere. What next?
"What do you want from me woman?" I asked the floor. If anyone could see me they would think my cheese had finally slipped off my cracker. Standing in my room arguing with the floor.
I fetched the broom. I was awake now, just start the day. I swept and bent down to get the last remaining beads. Look under the bead. There. May as well get the dust while you're down there. A womans work is never done. Hohum.
A glimmer caught my eye. I pulled back the dust cover. Pearls. My strand of Yemaya had no pearls in it.

I sat back down.

Santo

Something was wrong, maybe nothing was wrong, but something was definately not right. I stared at the ceiling, 3:30 am. For months I had been waking up at the same time, between three and four with my heart racing. That was nothing new, I had insomnia since I was a child. If my heart started racing or I became uncomfortable, it was because my mind eventually started wandering to unpleasant thoughts or things I had on my mind, but only after I became fully conscious. Only then would my heart race. Now I was waking with my heart at full gallop. It was becoming common for me to start with a gasp, or wake up sobbing uncontrollably with no idea why. My mind would scramble for a reason. Since I had no thoughts to attach my feelings to, as I was asleep, what was it?

My stomach rolled, and I slid off the bed bolting for the bathroom. I spewed vomit everywhere. Long ropey things floated in the toilet bowl. I washed my face and looked in the mirror. I looked like hell, at least I think I did. I could never tell, I was too vain. My eyes looked small and tired. Of course they did, I wasn't sleeping. I wandered out to the living room and sat there listening to the night sounds. I had a hard time falling asleep in my own bed, and often woke up on the couch. I sat down and fell asleep. I thought I was asleep, except I never closed my eyes. Was it possible to sleep with your eyes open? I drifted off.

I walked along the beach. It was twilight and the air was heavy and misting salt. I was in all white and walking slowly. There were so many beads around my neck they were pinching my skin, and thier weight restricted my breathing. Not far out in the water was a large craggy rock with a hole in the center. The water was so clear I could see to the bottom and the colour was inky dark. The sky was indigo, almost black, and the clouds were moving quickly, too quick. I became uneasy.

At the end of the beach was an inlet, and I squinted to see where the noise came from. I could hear drums. Calling, insistent. The bell was lodged in my ear and I followed it, as a moth to a porchlight. The hair stood up on my arms and the drums pulled inside my chest, thrummed my temples. I walked in time to the mother drum, each step measured and sure. I got closer and smiled, it was a tambor. Everyone in white and dancing happily. A crowd of onlookers drew a cirlce around the drummers and dancers. I tried to get closer and a tall black man put his hand on my chest and wouldn't let me pass. I fished my beads out from under my shirt and showed them to him.

"Let me pass" I said, annoyed at missing out on the celebration, but respectfull.

"Who has your head?" he laughed.

"Yemaya."

"You are not a child of Yemayas," he sucked at his teeth, "no child of Yemaya's enters this place without thier crown."

I was furious.

"Since when is a bembe for my mother closed to me because I am not crowned" I asked.

"Iyawo, do you enter your mothers home with your feet dirty?" he roared.

"No, I do not!"

"Your mother has been calling you, and you have ignored her. You cannot see her because your eyes have been closed. You come when you are tired and when you are hungry. You wander too far from her and let fools and thieves take from you the things she has given you. You have disrespected her and you cannot enter without your crown."

I had no answer for this and ran to the shore.


"Yemaya," I called, "Yemaya mi madre, mi madre" I sobbed. I screamed for her.



I was never able to see her. I had no idea what she looked like, I knew only of what others told me but had never saw her for myself. If she passed me on the street I would not know who she was. The sadness of not knowing her sat in me and grew to a familiar ache. Eventually I stopped looking for her, and other peoples memories of her became what I knew.

I waded in to my knees shivering and splashed the warm water to my face.
The tide ran out pulling me in with it, little by little and sucking me under. I remembered the warnings to Yemayas children: stay out of the sea, and never cry to her too often or she will do what all mothers do, drag you home.

I stopped struggling and let the water take me. Maybe this was how it was to be. If she takes me home I will know peace. I floated aimlessly and the water clouded over me. What little light from the surface twinkled as a star, and pulsed gently. I breathed and water stung my nostrils and eyes open, collapsing my lungs like a cardboard box. I forced my eyes from blinking, I wanted to capture it all, take it with me. My beads hung above my head, each one separated and floated off me as I sunk down. I was weightless and solitary. A small colony of bubbles ran off my eyes and nose, streaming up. A vague pressure closed my eyes.


Yes, I thought, please take me home.


Sometimes you stumble into your own life just as youre leaving it, I laughed to myself. How strange these would be my last thoughts. Would I take them with me where I was going? I coughed. A little fish swam in my mouth and tickled my throat.
Wait, how could something choke me if I'm dead? If I was alive, I would be very uncomfortable. Nothing made sense. Maybe I'm dead and this is it. My body bumped around at random by the currents. Odd, I thought, I can still hear those drums, all the way down here. A tiny tick in my chest flapped in time to the drum. It grew stronger, this thing that was like a pulse. My ears began to congest heavily and itch.
The itching drained into my head. I kicked, my legs began to tremble. The light from the surface of the water grew brighter, and as I thrashed, I became aware of five glowing pearls around my neck. They weight of them dropped me down and out of the corner of my eye I saw her.
Then there was nothing.



She was massive. Her arms were the size of tree trunks. She was sinewy and smooth as black stone. She plucked me up and tossed me over her shoulder like I was a bag of potatoes and began to laugh. I was terrified. Where was the Yemaya on the candles and in the books? Where was the mother of the sea pale and remote as the underbelly of a fish? This could not be my mother, she must be an imposter. I'm in hell, and I'm stuck here with Aunt Jemima who's going to eat me for lunch and spit my bones out at her leisure.


"Iyawo," she spoke, her voice between a rumble and a purr, "Iyawo, what do you want?"


I blubbered like a baby. Everything came out sounding like gibberish.


"Iyawo you come to my house looking for me, and when you get here you have nothing to say. You are my only child who does not speak to me. What is it you that you want?"


I blinked and looked at her, not knowing what to say. I was speechless and skittish.


"Do you know what I do with the things I give my ungratefull children?" she asked gently. She stared me straight in the face, and looked me over as if I were a trinket.


"No" I said softly.


"I take them back," she said, "Sometimes I make mistakes and give things to my children they are not ready to have," she said wearily.

She flicked a pebble absentmindedly and looked in my eyes. She was terrible, exact, and beautiful. She wore a peaked white cap encrusted with bones and cowrie shells that hung over her ears. Her skin was smooth like a dolphin. She was not male and she was not female, and yet she was both. Her breasts were heavy and her eyes lazy.


"Do you find me beautiful?" she asked.


I blushed and trembled, squeezing my legs together. I throbbed between my legs and closed my eyes. If she's my mother I will be so embarassed.


"All of my children want to make love to me, and I share my bed with some of them. Don't be afraid. I am always inside you, and I am every lover you will ever have."


She pulled me down into her and I cried.