Santo VI: consultation

"When you go home tonight I want you to relax and keep to yourself. At least till you do Santo. Don't let anyone anger you or upset you in your home. Stay in your room. If anyone tries to push your buttons or you hear any disgareements or fighting going on with your roommates, stay in your room. I don't care if you hear a barroom brawl going on in the other end of your apartment. If someone tries to hit you or start anything with you, you cannnot defend yourself, I forbid you. Just get away. You must stay away from any situation like that. Things are going to get worse before it gets better. Don't freak out when I tell you this. Just remember to hold on, it will pass. It's going to get bad, I wont lie to you. But you have to remember that it's going to pass. Look at me." She held my chin between her thumb and forefinger. "I'm not speaking in metaphor here, this is very real. Don't misunderstand what I tell you. Keep your head down Kari. Santo is coming and the Orisha is clearing out all the crap in your life to make way for what's coming. Sometimes it cleans out things we want to keep. Things we don't want to let go of. Let it go, you have to learn to let it all go. When you do Santo your body is no longer your own. Yemaya will own your body. And Yemaya will take you where she wants to go. It can be a very jarring experience. This is the part of Santo that's very hard to come to terms with. You dont have a choice, the Orisha has claimed you. You're not going to do Santo because it's a lifestyle choice, it's in your spiritual DNA. You were born to this."


I felt sick. "Madrina, it can't get any worse."


"Yes it can, it can get a hell of alot worse. But you have to ride it out. Were going to do a rogation on your head, and do some other things, but it will only help temporarily, but it will help. You need to find a way to put your Santo money together, and get it together. I want you here with us as much as possible. Can you get some sleeping medication from your doctor?"


"Madrina I got so much medictaion, but I'm afraid to take any of it."


"What kind of medication?"


I opened my bag and everything came rolling out.



"Jesus Christ, what is all this shit?"



"I don't even know what half of it is. I went to doctor and told him everything that was going on and he said I was having a nervous breakdown. He prescribed all this crap to calm me down and help me sleep. None of it works. He keeps giving me more but I just stopped taking it. Now I only take the sleeping pills. If it was'nt for the sleeping pills I would'nt sleep at all."


"Of course they told you that, typical. Take the sleeping pills, but be carefull and dont get any ideas about offing yourself or anything stupid. Cause you will think of it, it's in your signals. Just don't even go there. All kinds of crazy shit's gonna start banging around in your head. Ignore it."


"It's going to get that bad?"



"Yeah. You got some very rough signals here. But they are going to pass. There's some other stuff going on too, but we don't have to get into all of that now. The important thing is to keep your head from coming off till you can do your Santo."


"I don't know how I'm going to get money for Santo."


"Remember the consultation a year ago? I told you your Santo money was coming, it's coming to you. When it's time to do Santo you will know, and the money will come, the Orisha always brings it to you. Let's close this out and get some food into you."


She ground out her cigar and we walked to the back of the store. She and my godfather began a very animated conversation is spanish. My godfather looked at the notes from the reading and sighed.


"Aye, this is not good. Kari you need to do Santo soon. Sit down. Let's eat. Sit here Flaca."


We all sat down together and my godmother filled my godfathers plate, then mine. Beans, rice, sweet plaintains, salad. The smell of the food was making me queesy. I bit into an eggroll and gagged. They both looked at me and barked, "EAT."

Santo IV: consulation

"Flaca, I know you are educated, and sometimes the educated mind looks for ways to make sense of the things it does'nt understand about our beliefs. Many people come for consulations, and they dont understand, or believe what we tell them because they have to have it happen to them first, before they believe. You should know better than that by now. Have the consulations ever been wrong?"

"No madrina."

"Then listen, and don't think like an educated white person. You know how to do this. It's hard to change that, but take what you know as 'logic' and put it aside for now, okay? Go with what you know inside."

I nodded.

"Yemaya is sitting on you, she's right on top of you, she's talking to you. Your egguns and muertos are talking to you. They are trying to get your attention, and you keep ignoring them. You know what happens to people if they're supposed to do Santo, and they don't. They start to go crazy, and they go out of control until Santo puts them on the path they're supposed to be following. If you don't do santo you're a king or a queen without a crown. If you don't get Yemaya into your house, she's going to take you to hers. You cannot have Yemaya in your head if you're not crowned, the head can't hold all of it, it's too much for the psyche. It's too much, even if you are crowned. You Yemayas all go crazy until you do Santo. She will make you nuts, and that's what's happening to you."

I gaped in silence.


"Yemaya means 'Mother Who's Children are Fish.' Any fish that lives on land, or any creature that lives out of thier element is crazy. Have you ever seen a fish when it's taken out of the water? It's not pretty. No one ever really knows what's at the bottom of the sea, it's unknowable, and children of Yemaya are unknowable and always alone. You can't live with all of what you have in your head. Get used to what you are and who you are, it's not going to change. Santo will balance it, and you will become comfortable with it, but if you don't do Santo you will only grow more uncomfortable till you can't stand yourself. I don't know how you have managed to go as long as you have. You look like you're carrying the world on your back. I didn't recognize you when you came in. Are you sleeping at all?"


"Not much, a few hours, but I keep waking up. I feel like I'm PMSing all the time, I've been that way for months, emotional.


"Are you dreaming of her alot?"


"Yes. I never remembered my dreams much before, but the last few months, I dream so much I'm exhausted when I wake up."


"That's her, she's waking you up now, and she's not going to give you any rest either. Your eyes were closed before. She's opening them now, and you are going to start seeing things you never saw before. You are going to see things that you are not going to like. Don't close your eyes to it, OPEN YOUR EYES, Kari," she pushed her finger on my forehead, "see what's around you. Yemaya is very close to you right now. When you start to feel the tears come on for no reason, and your thoughts are driving you mad, it's because Yemaya is near. She's close to you for a reason."


"What do you mean Madrina?"


"Listen to me very carefully, you may not want to hear it or believe it. In the signals that you have, the people, or the person that has been around you are not your friends. Your best friend is your worst enemy, and you've been betrayed, and you haven't seen it yet. Somebody has played you. They played you for a fool, they took your loyalty and stabbed you in the back. This is going to feel like it's killing you, don't let it. The only reason you would ever know about it, is because your sitting here, and because Yemaya's been trying to tell you. They know how trusting you are and they used it to your disadvantage. They want all that you have. They are miserable and they want you miserable with them. Look closely, look under your own roof and in your own pockets and you will find someone who wants you alone. Yemaya has been trying to tell you. You haven't done Santo yet so you don't know to interpret the signs, you don't know what she's telling you. All you know is everything is conflama."


"What?" I stammered.

"Flaca, look at your life for the past few years. Where are your friends? Do you see them around you? Where is your family? Are you in touch with them? How much time do you spend with other people? Do you have a lover? How much time do you spend alone?"


I swallowed. She was right.


"This is not some folktale from a book, this is not something open to interpretation. Your signals are too strong. You're not going to be naive anymore. Ochun is also speaking here, and she does'nt want you to be so trusting anymore, it's a thing of the past. Ochun is taking the naivite from you. Ochun is very close now too.
Has there been any arguements or disagrements in the house in the last few months, any fighting?"


"Yes Madrina."


She puffed on her cigar and smiled.


"I bet there has. Has anyone been trying to pick fights with you, or physically made you uncomfortable?"


My mind scanned back, remembering events, things that didn't seem like much at the time.


I looked at my godmother, she looked at me.


"Don't worry, you are a child of Yemaya. No matter what happens, she is going to protect you. Yemaya will destroy anyone who tries to harm her children."


"Madrina when you say destroy, do you mean in a symbolic sense?" I always had trouble with this concept.


"No Flaca, I mean it literally. I've seen it happen. All of the orishas can harm anyone that fucks with thier children, but when Yemaya hurts someone, it's impossible to stop. Yemaya has patience and compassion but when she puts her foot down, it's over. Imagine what she would do to someone who harms her child."

Santo IV

I was tired when I got to the Bronx. The bell to the botanica door jingled as I opened it. The store smelled like incense and oil. A life size statue Of St Michael the archangael stood guard over the register and counter. The expression on his face was unreadable. He held a sword in his hand and his foot rested on the head of Satan. Satan had bat wings and was getting his face pushed into the dirt. He didn't look too happy.

"Hello," I called out. No one behind the counter. African drumming boomed through the room. I walked to the back of the store. My godafther sat in his chair leaning back, and staring at the monitors watching the store. He smiled at me and stood. I crossed my hands in front of my chest saluting foribale, my left shoulder to his right, then my right to his left, and hugged him.

"Hey Kari," he said, "how you doin?"

I shrugged lamely and sat down.

"You don't look so good Kari, you need to eat more."

"I know padrino."

My godmother bustled to the back of the store and her eyes narrowed at me.

"Look at you," she gawked, and hugged me. "Your arms are like sticks."

She pinched the flesh on my upper arm and let go, "you need to eat Flaca. Were ordering food now. You want beans and rice?"

I agreed and sat down. She called in the food and watched my every move.

"Yes hello," she trilled into the phone and rattled off her order in Spanish and hung up.

"Come and sit down. Tony, do you see this?" she said to my godfather, and raised her hand in the air as if to say: what am I gonna do with her?

"Yeah Kari, you look like shit," my padrino said sternly, "this is not good. You need to get consulted."

Come Flaca, were going to find out what the trouble is right now." My godmother took me by the hand and led me to the muertos room. I sat in the chair and uncrossed my feet and put my hands up on the table and watched as my godmother lit a cigar and puffed. The room was heavy with smoke. The walls were covered with catholic saints and her table was lit up with flickering candles. She picked up her shells and began the process of swirling them in a mass on the table, speaking prayers and dropping water on the shells as she stared at me and her hands moved. She picked up the shells in one hand and hit the table with her fist and let them drop. She counted the number of cowries that sat face up and wrote them down on her pad. She dropped a stone and seashell into my palm.

You know what to do, shake them."

I shook the stone and the shell in my enclosed hands.

"Separate," she said.

I let one fall in one hand, and one in the other.

"Open your right hand." As I did the shell fell out, the stone in the other hand. She wrote it down and then took the shells and threw them once more. She again counted the ones facing up and grunted, writing it down.

"Again Flaca." She dropped a stone in my hand and a round ball of powdered and compressed eggshell into my hand.

"Separate. Left hand." I dropped the stone out of my left hand and the eggshell remained in my other. She sighed long and threw the shells. She repeated this process over and over till the throws were complete. And lit her cigar and stared at me hard.

"Listen very very carefully to what I'm going to tell you now. Yemaya is speaking in this signal. You have to do Santo soon. We can keep cleaning you and doing things for you if you have a problem, but it's only going to work temporarily. You should of done Ocha years ago. Do you remember the consultation I gave you a year ago?"

I nodded my head, not wanting to remember the details.

"Do you remember all of it? Dont answer- I know you put it out of your mind 'cause you didn't want to deal with it. Let me remind you, and you tell me if you remember correctly. I told you a shit storm was coming your way, didn't I? I told you to keep your head didn't I? I told you no matter what, to keep your head cool, and don't react to anything- did'nt I? I told you not to argue or yell in your house, didn't I? I told you there was going to be a betrayal, and your whole world was going to change did'nt I? I also told you to hang on, because at the end of it all you were going to win, but you could not lose your head and to be very carefull with everything didn't I? I told you that you were going to go mad, did'nt I? Well I did'nt tell you everything Flaca, because there was nothing I could do for you. You had to go through it for your own spiritual evolution."

I nodded slowly and tracked back in my head her consultation that day. A tear rolled out of my eye.

"Baby your shit storm is here."